I want to continue to push to share some of the most vulnerable sides to me. I won’t explain now, but 2019–2020 was the worst time of my life — and it had nothing to do with the pandemic. A depression that threatened to take my life every.single.day. A medical poisoning, a toxic manipulative relationship, and an evil brain.
This is a poem I wrote in the midst of the battle.
I don’t want to wake up in the morning
I don’t want to wake up in the morning, so I stay up late
contemplating the things I can do…
I want to discuss the feeling that you just have to sit with a breaking heart.
the weight is heavy
and the movement tight
they cut you, in the most dishonorable way
the healing will finish when it wants to
there is no choice but to wait
the only control you have is over how much you get cut in the future
there will be a future, but it can’t see that now — and to the heart, the only reality is that in sight
you exposed your flesh, the chrysanthemum of your heart bloomed
-open to destruction
When you ask a person, “what is your goal in life?”, often the answer is, “to be happy”, which comes at no surprise. Everyone wants to feel happy, for what would life be without the beautiful feeling of joy in existence?
Much of the human condition is chasing after that joy. Chasing, as if happiness is something that is constantly slipping away and we need to run after it. Though the reason many people falter on attaining happiness is that it cannot be attained. Happiness is not something to be chased, or sought after. …
You are in love. You believe your heart belongs to this person. You care for them and feel that warm-tingling feeling whenever you hear their voice or see their name pop-up on your screen. You have found the one you want to be with — but love isn’t the only thing that creates a healthy relationship. I had to learn this the hard way.
To put it simply, your partner should make you feel uplifted, light, and supported. These are qualities that most would agree on, as it’s not hard to recognize the positives. …